I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
