I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
