Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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