Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Naked. naked and bneed help.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
