I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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