I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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