I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Your penis caused this!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
