Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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