i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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