she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I forget how to act sober
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