Me too!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
