omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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