It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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