my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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