my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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