3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
