I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
