So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
