she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
