I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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