A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
