I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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