apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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