i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
