brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
