My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
