he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Still dying that you shit outside
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
