Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
