I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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