Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
