I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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