Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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