My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
