I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If I die, sorry about rent.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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