My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
