Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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