My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We named our party play list daddy issues
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
