Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
