How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
