That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
