Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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