Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
