You're completely useless in the revolution.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
