Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We are all done wearing pants today
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
