sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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