Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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