there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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