Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
BRING THE BAGELS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
