So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
