toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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