I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
